So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
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