thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
Randomize
