i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
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