I can text with my tongue
I think we should urban dictionary "drive of shame." It involves a sprint to your car in his underwear and shirt, surreptitiously trying to put on your bra on at stoplights without attracting attention from neighboring cars, and lurking in your car a block from home so you can know when your roommate leaves for work.
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
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