I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
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