whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
