here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
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