dude, wtf is with her now? she has stuff up about how i am kicking her while she's down
wtf? who are you bitching about me to now?
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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