I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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