I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
