i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
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