My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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