everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
Randomize
