I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
