remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
