If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
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