just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Randomize
