It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Randomize
