just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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