Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
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