he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Randomize
