The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
It's Friday. Sex?
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
Randomize
