he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
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