I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
