I wish I only lived at night.
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
Randomize
