Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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