The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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