i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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