Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
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