recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
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