I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
I think I just sharted jello shots
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