my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
