I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
