i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
I looked at my own cervix.
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
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