Princesses don't give blow jobs
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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