Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Randomize
