Come on, it shouldn't be that hard NOT to suck someone's dick
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
