i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
so i was creeping on him today and there was like nothing new except he became a fan of getting dome
i wish i could be like. "i like giving dome, lets be friends"
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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