Are we in a gay sports bar?
mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
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