She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
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