please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
Hooked up with 8 guys, puked 4 times, got a few bruises, and my face is still numb... I think this visit has truly impacted my college decision
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Randomize
