after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
