He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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