Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
