my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
how do flat chested girls get laid?
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Randomize