i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
