i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Randomize
