When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Randomize
