Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
