I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
We'll see haha. The cum didn't work...I just chewed the whole thing in a day.
I hope you meant gum...
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
Randomize
