If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
Randomize
