I wanna put my baby in that!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ew you even made it your fb status
Ppl probably think ur having a kid
I hope
Love having children with random chicks
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
