Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Randomize
