i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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