I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
Randomize