my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
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