I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Randomize
