Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
Randomize
