I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
Randomize