So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
Randomize
