I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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