Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
