did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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