my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
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