yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
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