Pappa wants mamma naked
just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
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