I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Randomize