I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize