Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
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